I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
