the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
