You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My vagina is officially offended.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
