I love black thongs
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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