i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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