Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
