Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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