We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
