I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
