her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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