the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
