hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I need to align my fucking chakras
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
