I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
