She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
