u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
