Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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