before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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