You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
