I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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