I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
