A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
