my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize