This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
