He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
