I can text with my tongue
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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