Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
