dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize