so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so let's talk penis.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
