Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
