I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
