The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
