You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
