it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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