btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
