i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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