I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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