I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
