i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
