i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
