why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
