he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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