my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
