Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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