i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
