Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
