I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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