New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
