Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
