I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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