My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
