Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
