Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
