I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize