This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
