i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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