I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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