if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
