if you like me you must not know who I am
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The Olympian is in my bed
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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