so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
pop tarts are not kleenex
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
