I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
