I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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