is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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