My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
