Someone shit on the floor
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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