Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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