I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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