just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
